I’m not a religious person. I believe in the Universe, an energy that is far greater than any of us can begin to comprehend.

In moments of desperation, I often plead with whomever, whatever is guiding me. 

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Please, for fucks sake, just give me a little more clarification.

What am I doing wrong?

Just tell me what I need to do.

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My once trustworthy gut instinct is now following my rapid firing, misguided mind. My heart is somewhere behind the scenes, waiting for its opportunity to speak up. 

A lot of opportunities have been presented to me in the last few years and selfishly, it doesn’t seem to be enough. Is my ego so inflated that I require a certain amount of validation in what I do for a living? I worry that I may be chasing something that doesn’t exist or want something I don’t deserve. A job is a job, right?

With all the experiences I’ve had in my 29 years, I noticed that I still haven’t really lived my life yet. I take life too seriously and literally. Whether positive or negative, what I’ve been through has forced me to mature quickly and has shaped me into a guarded and jaded person, in a constant state of self-preservation. 

When it comes to my career, I cannot settle ever again. I like to think that I know my value but with my gut now untrustworthy, I am hesitant to give my all to an organization that may prove to be undeserving. Too many times have I been ecstatic about an opportunity then quickly disappointed. I often doubt myself in most aspects of my life and deeply struggle with personal insecurities and constantly question my choices and expectations. 

I struggle with finding direction. 

I left a long-standing career in search of fulfillment, and while the position I am in does not fulfill the ideal expectations for financial security nor does it utilize my potential, I still feel the most on track towards my mission. Whatever that may be.

After the transition from Barbering to working in correctional facilities, I am continuously amazed by the emotional intelligence, resilience, and positivity the incarcerated men I interact with have. My job is to walk into a prison, completely unbiased, and support their human right to improve their lives, listen with intent, and open their hearts to a world that does not involve hate and violence. 

Two years ago, I started my prison journey with my first government job. I was assigned to a department within the prison that quickly exposed me to the men in blue and forced me to familiarize myself with the facility. I had no time to be nervous and most importantly, I could not show it. With my size and stature, it was imperative that I always wear my 2” heeled Dr. Marten’s… you know, because they make me look scary…   

Visually, prison is what you’d imagine it to be. Cold, dark, and smelly. The air is thick with dread. In some areas, it’s very loud and in others it’s eerily quiet. Several pairs of eyes are observing you closely; actively studying. 

What was most surprising to me wasn’t the heavily shackled men being escorted from Death Row to their doctor’s appointment, nor was it the blaring alarms signaling a fight or stabbing. It also wasn’t the awful smell of God knows what they were cooking in the chow hall. What truly caught me off guard was the consistent respect I received from nearly every man in blue I encountered. 

“Good morning, Ma’am.“

“Excuse me, Ma’am.“

“Have a blessed day, Ma’am.“

The internal sense of respect far surpasses the external display of respect on the outside – in the “free world”. Our society consistently neglects even the most basic forms of respect towards one another.

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It’s common for me to experience feelings of upset, discouragement, anger, and disappointment. I find myself leaning into these emotions, seeking solace in negativity. It’s a twisted form of self-defense, tearing myself down before others can. In a way, it feels like I’m in control, beating them to the punch. But deep down, I know this isn’t right or healthy. Vulnerability is unsettling, and perhaps it’s not supposed to feel comfortable. 

There I am, sitting down with a group of convicted men and I am in awe. Despite their surroundings, they are calm, present, and vulnerable.

Never could I have imagined how impactful these men in blue would be. Their resilience is inspiring and shows their deep rooted desire to improve the negative parts of their life.

I feel guilty, as a free person, when I can’t find it within myself to forgive. But still, I am learning to embrace the true essence of compassion; learning to appreciate the present moment, trying to be optimistic about the future despite some doubt and negativity.

-E