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I’m hesitant to share this… but if you’re reading it, I must have accidentally hit “publish”… 

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Following the Me Too movement, I make a conscious effort to avoid conversations that discuss the very real issues that some women feel surrounding male patriarchy and misogyny. Both those terms are thrown around with such ease and without much context. My generation and younger are actively rebelling against the male patriarchy – or I should say white male patriarchy. 

BUT – I have no interest in pretending to be someone who thinks they know everything about anything. I don’t and this will not become a platform of political debates or opinion seeking. So, to put it very simply… self–oppression often reveals itself in blame toward others.  

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Recently, I experienced something incredibly powerful inside the prison that would likely never have happened in the free world. 

Many prisons in California are implementing the community corrections model where non-institutional organizations (usually non-profits) volunteer their time in the combined effort of supporting the incarcerated population.  These organizations have a mutual drive that aims to actively rehabilitate and most importantly, humanize the incarcerated populations by diving deeper into ALL their traumas that may have contributed to their crimes. The presence of these volunteers is extraordinary and accounts for a large portion of the positivity within these awful places. All bias and judgements are often left at the Sally port and replaced with compassion and empathy.  

Going into the prison, you see classrooms full of education and progress. You’ll see the faces of intrigue and confusion; writing notes and asking a million questions with genuine interest. It’s truly remarkable and I wish more people are able to see the work that these men are doing with those who volunteer their time to help them. But, that’s a whole other post (or 7) for another day. 

I was invited to participate in a group that uses the power of conversation and discussion to heal trauma that may be hindering one’s ability to fully expand their emotional intelligence.

This is completely out of my wheelhouse but somehow I was convinced to participate. 

One of the incarcerated men, who was one of the facilitators in this group and whom I knew from our own program, had given me a very small idea of what was to be expected. Looking back, I am thankful he did not fully explain what we would be doing because I would not have likely shown up. But, he did offer the topic of discussion which was: Male Patriarchy.

Okay… This could go many ways. But, I showed up with another trusted volunteer that I work with.

In a very, VERY cold room in the education building, I saw several chairs lined up in a large circle. In the middle was a beautiful blue tapestry that reminded me of something my Mom would have draped in her bathroom. On the fabric lay several pieces of what I initially thought to be random, meaningless objects. We chose our seats and waited. 

There were 12 incarcerated men and 13 female volunteers in that circle. The female volunteers ranged in age but most were likely close to mine. The woman who was leading the group did a wonderful job in breaking the ice with the simple question of: What was your favorite dessert as a child? To which I answered: I didn’t like sugar as a kid… Would it have been that hard to just make something up? No, but it was a nice way to begin what would become an emotionally driven discussion. 

We laughed at each other’s answers and were often reminded of the desserts we completely forgot about. Some would share the story behind their Mom’s dessert concoctions and many chose ice cream. But, it was time to face the elephant in the room and begin the real discussion. 

The female participants were directed to pull our chairs forward into a smaller circle with the men remaining in the larger circle on the outside, with our backs to them. My chest was tightening at this point.

A stress ball with an ominous happy face was passed around to indicate who had the floor completely, no interruptions. And then, the first question:

What does being a woman mean to you?

I stayed quiet and listened while the ball was passed from one person to another. I sensed a theme with these women with answers involving femininity, strong emotions, passion, motherhood, friendship, and the ability to express themselves through style or fashion.

I couldn’t answer this question because I was afraid of not only stirring the pot but more so because I could not relate to most of what they were saying. Sure, I feel feminine but in a biological sense. I have emotions, some stronger than others and some that get out of my control… maybe that’s passion? I am not a mother nor do I want to be. I don’t have a lot of friends and especially find it difficult to keep or relate to female friends. Style is not important to me and I can’t stand wearing jewelry. So what does being a woman mean to me? Aside from biology… 

Next question: 

How has the patriarchy impacted your day to day life?

This triggered me. So much so that I asked for the floor and held on tight to that smiley ball. I asked if I could answer the first question…  

I was raised by two women who showed me a world where there wasn’t a male patriarchy. At no point did I ever think men had reign over what they were doing or what they wanted to do. They were limitless and at no point did I think men had the ability to limit them. 

Then, I started to cry – in front of complete strangers and incarcerated men.

Being a woman is complete power. Power in being vulnerable – as I’m sitting here crying in front of people I’ve never met before. I have had men in my life who have used me in ways that I often try to forget. I’ve had women in my life who have used me in ways that make me feel so small and so undeserving. Being a woman is having the ability to do anything I want to do and I refuse to feel oppressed by any person – man or woman. 

It was then when I knew what the blue tapestry and mysterious items were for. They were a beautifully crafted distraction, an attention grab for the welled eyes of those who just needed to speak, without looking anyone in the face. As I spoke, I looked at a photo of someone’s family – a wife and two kids, someone’s favorite book, handmade jewelry and an inspirational quote. These items were designed to manifest comfort in a time of emotion and tough discussion.

I’m sure I babbled on more but I passed the ball and wanted everyone to stop looking at me. What I really wanted to say was that we only limit ourselves in our lives. It’s important to acknowledge the role others may play in influencing our behavior, but there comes a point where we really need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions. Instead of perpetuating a cycle of blame and victimhood, we must choose to take ownership of our lives and reclaim our power to create the future we desire. 

It is important to mention that the men in this group were all convicted of sexual offenses and the purpose of this group was for them to hear the female’s perspective on what it means to constantly feel victimized by men. And it’s not a secret; small things like being told to smile or getting whistled at when you’re 12 years old is disgusting. And of course, this can escalate into more heinous things. But this does not make me a victim. It is simply a projection of a faulty upbringing they may have had BUT they ultimately made that decision to take inappropriate action. 

One of the male participants asked what the deal was with telling women to smile… Some of us scoffed and rolled our eyes but someone came up with a great example that he could understand.

How do you feel when someone tells you to ‘man up’?

And at the exact same moment, each man let out a huge sigh of understanding.

Being told to smile is telling us that we aren’t able to show negative emotions; we aren’t able to have bad days or off days. The sun is shining… Why are you upset? Telling a man to man up, especially from a woman, is also telling a man that he cannot be anything but a big ol’ tough guy. He cannot show emotions or be vulnerable.   

Hurt people, hurt people. Sure. But, that still does not excuse our actions toward one another. Women have worked too hard to take steps back to degrade men simply for being men. Men do not owe us anything other than respect. Women do not owe men anything other than respect. People do not owe people anything other than respect.

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After SIX HOURS… We ended the group back in the larger circle for our final group reflection. 

To see grown men openly emotional and apologetic was quickly draining my empathy bank. It is easy to find empathy for people who truly want to be better but I still felt the overwhelming sense of guilt. The guilt I felt came from a place that I’m still working on finding…

I also couldn’t help but feel heard, not so much by the men, but by the other women who likely had opposing feelings. I find it difficult to relate to women as someone who is more comfortable around men. *Another thing I should look into…

The men inside have worked incredibly hard to understand the hurt they’ve caused. Of course there are factors from their lives that likely swayed them in the direction that led to being a ward of the state. While acknowledging the influences that led them to their current situation, they now have learned to emphasize the importance of self-responsibility over blame. They have shown me the value of understanding these factors, owning up to their choices, and actively transforming their lives for the better. 

Being able to participate in these groups that challenge me and my beliefs and force me to hear people is simply incredible. As I continue on this journey of vulnerability, I hope I’m making some sense of it all. Regardless, the amount of gratitude I feel for these experiences is unmatched.   

– E