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Current writing music: Gorgoroth

Book I’m reading: The Perfect Son by Freida Mcfadden

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A bit late for a Happy New Year but still special nonetheless. 

I turned thirty last month and I have many mixed feelings about it. Twenty-nine felt endless—like a stubborn hangnail that kept snagging on fabric, tearing just when I thought it was finally healed. 

When I’d mention to people I was turning thirty the responses were mostly positive: 

“I loved my thirties!”

“Yay, dirty thirty!”

I didn’t want a dirty thirty and I’m not expecting to fall in love with my thirties – but I do expect them to be a major improvement from my twenties. Because somehow, against all that I thought I knew, I survived my twenties, even when there were moments I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.

That decade was full of trials (and far too many errors), very questionable situationships, financial chaos, relentless stress, an eating disorder, excruciating anxiety, and, don’t forget the greatest of all, a global pandemic. As much as I want to hate my twenties, it was also a time of transformation, adventure, love, and laying the groundwork for whatever life has in store next. 

So here’s to my thirties – not perfect, not magical, but hopefully, a whole lot fucking better.

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My prison work looks a little different now. I found myself in another toxic work environment but was quickly able to cut that cord and continue on with my work in rehabilitative groups. 

Some time back, I wrote about an extraordinary musical experience I had in the prison I volunteer in. See post HERE. 

An excerpt:

“I was invited to attend a concert that was inspired by music from around the world. The band included 12 incarcerated men known as The Greater Good who performed 14 incredible songs. Some were covers and some were written by members of the band. ….  I sat in a large prison chapel with a very small fraction of that population and shared the power of music. Aside from their prison blues, you wouldn’t have noticed that you’re surrounded by convicted felons, just lovers of music.”

I think about this concert often and truly believe it to be an injustice that it has to be left in the confines of the prison. However, I do find comfort in knowing that these artists have an outlet that truly speaks to their souls and to the souls who listen so intently. The way music can transform the psyche will never cease to amaze me. It’s my favorite way to let my body and mind express emotions I’m too afraid to say out loud. 

In your feels? Here With Me by Dido or Delicate by Damien Rice

Need to dance? Borderline by Tame Impala

Don’t need no man? Sleep to Dream By Fiona Apple 

Feeling primal? The Devil is Calling by Gorgoroth or Devotion III by Foundation 

Just to name a few…

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Music is everything and more. When I try to explain the music from World Music Night, I can best correlate it to some of the band OM’s music; specifically At Giza or Haqq al-Yaqin. 

With the advancements in prison reform and the ever increasing volume of volunteer presence in the prison, it is just a matter of time that their music will bless the outside world who will appreciate the purity. 

At this concert, I reconnected with someone whom I’d met during a very challenging group session that explored the effects of sexual assault. I wrote about it HERE.

We talked, and I opened up about my struggle to connect with and contribute to the nonprofit I was working with. She listened intently, fully validating my concerns of ethics. In prison work, only the incarcerated and fellow volunteers truly grasp the complexities of what we do – the victories, the flaws, the politics and government oversight, and the uncomfortable realities of prison reform. 

As much as networking is uncomfortable for me, it is completely necessary in this line of work. 

Now, I’m fortunate enough to be a part of an incredible nonprofit that fosters human connection through writing. Every Monday night, I sit in the coldest room imaginable inside the state prison, surrounded by up to 20 men. Together, we explore writing prompts designed to help reflect on their experiences – knowing that their words will reach and resonate with youth in juvenile halls in several counties. 

And I can confirm that it does reach and resonate with the youth in juvenile hall. I witness it on Thursdays… 

E