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A lesson I’ve been consistently learning, trying to navigate through, teach and explain to others, is the distinction between intention and expectation; a very fine line of purpose and outcome that can muddy so quickly and often due to the innocence of human nature.

As exciting as we think it would be to read someone’s mind or predict the future, it would likely cause more distress than clarity. How could they think that? How could this happen? Even with the ability to read minds or see where you’ll end up in 20 years, the outcome could still be harmful and disappointing. Having all the answers is far too overwhelming for our extraordinary brains to handle. Similarly, expecting a certain outcome can ultimately backfire, even if you know what the person is thinking because it may be far off of what you’d expect.

Expectations hold many hats and can show up in ourselves, others, society as a whole, our personal and professional relationships, and our families; expectations are everywhere. They are the should of the shoulda, coulda, woulda. They can be seen as personal demands, often fueled by negative self-talk, a (false) sense of control, unhealthy habits and unrealistic standards. Some people have lived lives that may have gotten out of control, the control was taken from them, and/or fears have completely enveloped your psyche and you will do all you can to stay in charge; never to be taken off guard. Survival. For others, cultural expectations press heavily and could remove any sense of autonomy or free will. When we fall short of these standards (our own or others) the internal clash can be cruel and damaging.

Expectations aren’t all bad and can actually be supportive in providing structure, accountability and motivation. Holding ourselves to certain standards can allow for growth, resilience, reliability, and room for better communication and healthy boundaries. Respect, fairness, and safety are all expectations we can benefit from daily.

I think the true challenge is how rigidly expectations are held. I see far too often the grasp, so tightly wound that any potential for flexibility is not tolerated. Optimism leaves the room and outside possibility is simply unacceptable. To me, this is the most damaging. The strong feelings of failure or defeat disintegrate the opportunity to navigate alternative routes or the ability to be proud of our efforts thus far. Failure is a learning experience.

My line of work is all about intention. In training and onboarding, a large talking point is the importance of removing any pre-determined expectations. All hypotheticals have to GO, or your feelings will get hurt and we know that from experience. The people we train and supervise will be working with youth who have experienced a lot of trauma in their young lives. What they don’t need is someone reading from a script of expectations and standards. What they do need is a person with natural empathy who can show up fully with extraordinary intention. Those intentions are the roots of a slow growing garden where every seed of compassion and support needs to be planted carefully. Unfortunately, we won’t have all the answers and often the appreciation for the support isn’t vocalized. Which, as emotional beings, makes it very challenging to carry on. But let me tell you, every ounce of appreciation that does show up, as tiny as a smirk, is because our intentions remained.

Expectations are locked to outcomes we can’t fully control, while intentions anchor us in the values and choices that we can control. I am not a psychologist or mental health professional but I have sure seen and felt unmet expectations and the disappointment that feels like a wall of defeat. Instead of falling to our knees, look around a bit more and I’ll be there will be another door for you to walk through. We pour our blood, sweat, and tears into something (or someone) and of course we want results. But it’s in those moments, when the results don’t mirror the image of the outcome we first had, where the real work begins.

But finally, when unwrapping the real gift of it all, it will be found that in between intention and expectation is the gift of being present. It is then where we can take back the energy that was put a bit too far into the future. Because, I don’t know about you, but I can’t read minds nor can I see into the future.

Intention is the grounding we need to prepare for the shock of life because we can all agree how shocking it can be. Anchor yourself to your intention and let the expectations follow naturally.

-Emi